JacytheGreat

Hello all!

 I haven't really written much of anything [or done all that much, huh?] lately and I figured I'd catch you all up to date.

 Weekly dental appointments since last year, embarrassingly still unemployed, a steady decline in mom's physical health and my mental health, and I might be trying to get into college [Would you believe it was completely on accident?].

 Honestly, life is a bitter challenge for anyone to go through and I'm amazed and proud of the people that can keep fighting their demons no matter how many times they have to face them.

 I don't talk much, I much prefer to write it out. I can spin stories and words people want to hear, myself included, when I use a keyboard. Unfortunately that gives me a chance to go over and omit the things that might need to be said. I think that's okay though? I use it to learn and figure out who I am as a person. Maybe someday I'll be able to transfer that ability from my hands to my vocal chords. I wouldn't mind saying sweet nothings and telling a story from my own lips.

 Anyway, onto some of those things I've been up to lately.
I don't talk in my sleep. Ever. That happened some time last week and I've sorta been shaken up by it. I've come to realize that I need to work on the things that make me who I am instead of the way people turn me into someone I don't want to be. I'm still working on getting better, but I think I'm on the right track!

I hate getting help from people. My mom's always told me I'll be on my own after she's gone and I know that she's right. Which is why it's so hard to open up to people. I know what's wrong with me and what I can expect from people, what people will expect from me. I don't want to mope over it all that much though. So I'll just suck it up from now on and just try to be great, even with the obstacles that will definitely pop up.

 I guess that's why I'm not exactly fighting or trying to avoid these calls from colleges? I've got access to some of those things I want in my life and it distracts me from the things I can't get away from.

Let it be known to the world, I absolutely LOVE to read. I'm one of the only ones in my circle that can, and will, willingly sit down for a couple hours and just read. Actually I'll sit down at like nine to read, look up and it'll be five o'clock. I don't really understand why people react like reading can be something terrible. I wonder if someone would explain it to me? What's so bad about reading?

I admit, one of my parents tried to get me to read the first Harry Potter book when I was about eleven or younger. Gosh, I hated that. If a person really doesn't want to do something, there's no way you can get them to do it. Took me a few years to really try reading that series and I still haven't even started book seven yet. I read other books, SMALLER books, though. Things that were in my reading level. I liked those, I wasn't very good with vocabulary back then. After I got over that incident with the biggest book I was scared to read, I can't seem to stop wanting to read longer and longer books.

Which is why I want to figure out the things I'll need in order to become a Librarian. I want to share with kids the joys and the GOOD things about reading. I want to help aspiring writers join their veterans. Read the books to learn a little bit about everything the library has to offer in terms of research. See more and more people smile while holding something they just can't wait to read. Kids, adults, everyone should be encouraged to read! It's something we can all do and it can leave you in suspense or brighten up your gloomy day. Reading gives you a chance to find the words you're trying to say, it shows you what kind of people are all over the world.

If the chance doesn't come to be a Librarian, I want to reach a publishing firm. If I can't find the way to encourage new readers to pick up their first book, I want to help give the readers an even bigger selection of books. I've been interesting in bookbinding for a couple of years and I can sometimes irritate my friends when I correct a word they mispelled. I'm one of the first ones they go to for spell checking though if they don't want to grab a dictionary or look it up. So I'll be looking into what I need to do there.

 I'm a little scared. Nothing's really been going well at home, so with this college stuff seeming to cheer me up, I guess I'm just waiting for the inevitable bad thing to happen even though I don't know what it'll be.

I'm not typing this up to ask for help or anything like that. I'm looking into the things I need to look into and I have the information that I need. I just have a hard time talking and the last year's sorta been tough for me. Hopefully I'll be able to get back into the groove of everything that makes me who I like to be.

Take Care,
 Me

P: I am bored and lonely. I've spent the last three hours reading One Piece; I'm at the end of Jaya and starting Skypiea now

I want to buy a lot of things, but I have no money.

I might read fanfiction while I wait for a friend to get along. Listen to music too.

I really need to make more friends. Or play video games more often. Or get a job so I can get money.

Mom is getting eye surgery again. I wonder how long till she gets home? I worry about her.

I should really try and work on original things, but right now all I'm thinking about is fandoms.

I'll probably try to make a fancy non-premium set up for my journals at some point, but not now.

I got sick. My brother came over, already a bit under the weather, and I caught it. I think my friend is okay though, she seemed to be doing fine when she went home today.

We got two new tvs over the course of three months? Eh, and they both went in my room... The first one was HUGE and requires about three people getting that damn thing to move around and since I'll pretty much be on my own at some point, I agree with my mom and changed it around today. So now the tiny flatscreen is on my tv stand instead of that giant monster. Apparently being ill makes me productive or something [I really should be resting though]

I also traded electronics with my brother. I don't know if it's temporary or not, but we traded one of my laptops for his kindle. I'll have to ask him about it later.

Now, I'm gonna go check messages on the internet and organize my files on my computer.

I find it hilariously/sadly/awkwardly ironic that when I was little my mom had to put ear drops in my ears because I have terrible ears and all week I get to put eye drops in my mom's eyes because she has terrible eyes.

Both stories either begin or end with surgery by the way.

For starters, I really need to work on a simple layout for my journals again. Now that my subscription's expired it's back to the boring journal skins.

We officially started babysitting a few days ago, even though mom told me it'd be in three weeks. Today we all went up to the park and we lucked out. As a whole we saw three Deer, two rabbits and one fox [although I was the only one who saw the little shadow run across one of the paths, but the kids are 8 & 4]. They played with kids at the park and ultimately it was a good day.

... I am so sorry, there's a rant below.
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My mom and I butt heads over everything. Being raised my whole life by her probably helps add to it since I inherited her stubbornness, but bluh. She keeps trying to pressure me into wearing more feminine clothes and doing everything the "socially normal" way. I can't seem to get through to her that I am NOT able to be what she wants me to be.

I wear pants 24/7 and that's a fight with everyone, I'm up all night and I could actually pull it off if I wasn't so damn polite to the people here, I really~ need my uncle/brother/whateverthefuckheisanymore out of here for all of our sanity or else I'm likely going to end up going through with this strange impulse to move to New York that recently began developing, I find kids adorable and right now I'm entertaining the idea of one of my own but ultimately I am NOT going to be a mother due to the love/hate/FEAR relationship I mentally have over children [thus this whole babysitting job is wearing on me a lot more than she seems willing to fucking UNDERSTAND when I try telling her-it's like EVERYTHING in life has to be some sort of "You can't do it? Suck it up, you're going to do it anyway" with her and it drives me CRAZY!] and finally there's the simple fact of I don't fucking know what I want to do or even how to do anything.

I'm not gonna get it right on the first fucking try, please stop acting like everything and everyone is perfect and can get it right with no problems. I am a Twenty-one year old with little-to-no job experience who was spoiled rotten as a child and socially inept due to being stuck in the house helping care for younger relatives during her childhood because the older relatives were too old or fucking dicks. DO YOU HONESTLY EXPECT ME TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE FUCKING SHIT YOU WANT ME TO DO? "Go to school, get a job, raise kids, dress like a woman, speak up"

Okay.. ONE, I went to school. The system is fucked and that's why I have a GED. I'd go for a higher learning, but that costs money. Which means I need a job. And I'm not really game for that since I am NOT handling my uncle very well. At this point I am GOING to use my babysitting money to buy two games and a fucking 3DS out of spite because I'm not going to deal with this bullshit.

Getting a job? ... As stated, I don't know how to do anything even close to important to my home life. I'm not even good at any of it if certain relatives are anything to go by. I fail at cleaning, I've forgotten how to make grilled cheese sandwiches five times in one day, the way I make beds isn't up to par with mom's, and if my skills at home are anything to go by how the FUCK do you people expect me to work a job? ESPECIALLY since the old hag is trying to make it seem like any job I get will quickly go to the point where I'm doing my work without instructions since she doesn't even fucking tell me what she wants me to do here at home! This conflicts with the fact of I NEED TO BE ORDERED AROUND WHILE I'M DOING MY WORK SINCE I DON'T FUCKING KNOW HOW TO DO ANYTHING AT THIS POINT.

Thirdly, raising kids? HAHA HAHA HAHA HA HA-yeah fuck that. I raised kids in my childhood, I'm not having kids. This babysitting gig is now a one-time thing and after the summer is over I don't care what that old bitch says, I am NOT helping out anymore. My 4 year old nephew is adorable and he makes me want to get better at everything, but ultimately these kids are already pushing my nerves and anxiety into crying levels. They haven't done anything wrong, they're sweet adorable little shits that have caused our temporary pet bird to cower in fear on my shoulder and refuse to leave it at certain times. I am NOT good with kids and I try to be fun and a good babysitter. Ultimately mom's the one babysitting by the end of the day. I try paying attention, but my attention span for listening to instructions outside of the situation they're REQUIRED for is going down the crapper and everyone seems to shun the idea of WRITING THIS SHIT DOWN FOR ME OR I END UP NOT GETTING ENOUGH NOTES SO I END UP BACK AT THE FUCKING STARTING POINT ALL OVER AGAIN.

Dress- bitch I will wear what I want to wear, I will shave when I want to shave and I will do whatever I damn well please because this is MY apartment and my body. If you don't like how I do the things I do, then shut the fuck up and get the fuck out of my sight. I need to wear pants because it's gotten to the point I feel awkward and handicapped without them, my swimtrunks are mine and it ties in with the fact I need an article of clothing that wraps around both my legs thank you. I am a human being and if I have a bit of chin stubble while my arms and legs make me look like a fucking sasquatch then I suggest you deal with the fact I'm Littlefoot because I shave when I feel like making myself pretty-ER. My confidence may be 68% fake, but I will not be shamed or pressured into the picture of domestic perfection.

Oh no no. You see, I know what happens when I speak up. People think I'm stupid or they completely ignore then there's a chance that if I just said something important, they'll completely forget what I told them and come up with the idea "all on their own" three days afterwards while I just stare at them with a "Bitch, I told you that three damn days ago!" and we finally do what could have been done sooner. I am at the point where my sass gauge wants to snap and if I "speak up" I will anger everyone. There are enough pissed people in this world that I am going to attempt being above any emotion except happiness. Obviously I'll have my moments where I crack and I'll be sad or angry or depressed or any and all emotions. I am a human fucking being and we have those days. I will not break down into a blubbering gross sobbing mess that is unable to even move from a bed though just because someone wants to see that. I have my shit together and I know there's not enough time for me to cry in my own life so I will attempt to mourn and shout while trying to do what needs to be done. The present is fleeting and I will not let the past control me when the future could be anything. So kindly let me keep my opinions about you and the world to myself because there are enough people out there to talk to and sadly I am not one of the ones who are willing to talk unless I am at some sort of breaking point or creepily happy for some reason or another.
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It is sad that I am now trying to come up with some sort of makeshift bird-playpen because of the kids out in the living room and I'm not going to deal with them terrorizing her until mom steps in once it's too late. How the fuck do you make origami cups?

I'm not even mad at anyone in particular, maybe my mom. Exhaustion and anxiety gets to you, ya know? Maybe I really need to work on getting the fuck out of here and to New York? I'll miss three people here though ;(

I'll probably delete the rant or just this journal at some point or I might not.